There is a saying that goes like this, “In life we mainly see what we look for”. I think that all of us at one time or another has looked for the worst in our situations, only to have it become our reality. Why is it that some people see themselves, and their lives, in such a negative way that they can’t seem to figure out why nothing ever goes right for them? Why is it that we as parents sometimes see the negative things in our children, and then wonder why they lose confidence in themselves? Why is it that we are all products of what our minds tell us, rather than what are dreams instill in us?

Our minds are like a movie, replaying over and over again what we see in them. If we constantly see the past, present or future as a negative thing, then that is how our movie will play out. If we see our children never amounting to anything, then that is the movie we will portray to them. If we see every little thing that has gone wrong with our lives as a bad thing, rather than a lesson, then we will never be able to create a happy ending to our movie.

Our experiences are just life’s lessons, not defining moments. They are just one of the the scenes in our movie that occurred prior to us becoming wiser. Never forget that your mind is constantly creating a movie that is playing right before you. Even more importantly, never forget that you are the director, producer and writer of you own movie. If you want to create a sad ending you can do that, but if you want to create a happy ending, where all of your dreams come true, then you can do that as well. It is all up to YOU and only YOU. Why not start today creating an Academy Award winning movie that will bring you happiness, joy and success for not only you, but your entire family. Continue reading »

 

This morning I attended a funeral for one of the employees of our mortgage company, Mike McPhee. I only knew Mike for a short period of time, but during that time Mike always impressed me. He was hard working, organized, positive, helpful and always had a smile on his face. He was built well, in great shape and lived a clean life. Maybe that is why it was so difficult to understand how someone like Mike, could leave work on Friday, go skiing on the weekend, and be dead six days later from a heart attack. It just didn’t make sense…

While sitting at the funeral this morning, I started to think about all those who have gone before me. Not once did God call me up in advance and say “Hey Bill, just so you know, someone close to you is going to die tonight at 11:52 p.m. just thought that I would give you a heads up”. God doesn’t work that way. When my grandparents died I had no prior knowledge of the exact date or time. When my little sister Mary Ann passed away in her sleep, no one knew the night before that she wasn’t going to wake up the next morning. When my ex wife Sara died, I guarantee you that the kids and I never saw it coming. I have friends who have lost loved ones to cancer and knew that the end was near, but never once got that call from God with the time and date that it was going to happen.

Someone once told me that everyone, and everything, have an expiration date on them. Food, cars, business partnerships, friendships, relationships and us. It made me think about how when people attend funerals, they always wish that they could have known what was about to happen. They wish that they knew the expiration date of the person, or that God would have sent them a text with what was about to happen. They wish that they could have said those things that they never quite got around to saying.  It also made me think about those closest to me that I take for granted. I assume that I will see them tomorrow, or next week, or next month. Mikes family assumed that the day he went skiing, my parents did the night that they put Mary Ann in bed, and my kids did the last time they saw their mom. Continue reading »

 

Dear Sara;

It’s been almost three and a half years since you passed away, five years since we divorced and seven years since you left me to be a sole parent to Jack and Michaela. I figured that maybe now we should talk again. First let me update you on the kids.

Jack for the most part is doing great. He has friends that love him, a personality that you would cherish and and a stubbornness that you would respect. He is peaceful in his spirit, smart in his thinking but like you he occasionally plays the victim.  If God didn’t tell you he had the 30th highest score on his high school entrance exam, out of 425 kids. He gets that from you Sara. Unfortunately school seems to bore him and thus his GPA is around a 2.something (he gets that from me). He is 5’7 1/2 ” and is committed to joining the US Army Rangers when he gets out of high school. I really want him to attend college but he is adamant that his calling is with the Rangers. I know that it is not what either of us would have chosen for him but I will support him all the way. I am actually very proud of him because how many 16 year olds are there that know exactly what they want to do with their life.  I am so proud of him and you would be as well.

He is like you in so many ways Sara, but he is still so angry with you. I know that he won’t admit it to me but he misses you dearly. He needed a mom in his life to hold him when he felt sad, to comfort him when he was sick and to talk to him like only a mom can do. I worry about him because he has not had that female influence around since you died. I know that he is strong, but it’s one thing for me to know this, and totally another to understand it. Now that he is 16 I worry that I can’t help him anymore. I remind him daily of all the wonderful traits he inherited from you and how much you loved him, but I know that he tunes it out. Don’t worry though, I know deep down in my heart that he loves you with all his heart, and will one day make us both very proud. Continue reading »

 

Have you ever heard the story about the little boy who answered the phone call?

One day, the phone rang, and the little boy answered.
“May I speak to your parents?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The police.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The firemen.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”

“So let me get this straight — your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?”

“Lookin for me.” Continue reading »

 

Every once in awhile I am able to see myself through another person’s eyes; sort of like looking up and seeing an image in a mirror, and then realizing the face that is reflected there is your own. The observations from these unguarded moments usually provide some serious food for thought.

Recently I went to see the movie Brothers. I will leave out the movie review, but will tell you that I would probably not have watched this show had I not been with a friend who really wanted to see the film. Brief synopsis: An excellent family man who is in the military goes back for a second tour of duty and ends up being captured. His family thinks he is dead, and grieves his loss. He is then restored to them (this part really hurt…I wished so many times that Phil’s death was actually just a terrible mistake??) but has been altered due to the horrific experience of being held captive. Not a feel good movie by any stretch of the imagination.

There was a scene, however, that provided a glimpse into my life. At one point the bad boy character is trying to help his brother’s widow “feel better.” He plans a birthday party for her, complete with a cake baked by her two adorable girls. There are guests, decorations, gifts, candles, and of course everyone yells surprise as she walks in the door. Then the camera pans around the room and you see the exact same look on every face. Expectancy. Did it work? Is she happy? Will she stop wearing the look of grief on her face? Have we communicated to her how much we love her? ARE WE ENOUGH? And that last one hit me right in the stomach. Because as widowed people we constantly carry around the weight of other’s concerns, fears, sadness, and yes, their wishes for our ultimate happiness…as we are observed, discussed, fretted over, and advised by good meaning folks of all types. Continue reading »

 

Parenting is both overwhelmingly rewarding, and unrelentingly challenging. Some days we glow with pride at the accomplishments of our little angels; other days we may wonder how our best laid plans went awry. Sharing parental duties with a wonderful partner definitely helps manage the roller coaster ride we call parenthood…there is someone to discuss options with, another person who loves the kids as much you do to listen to your rant about their current behavior, an additional carpool driver, and someone else to go over the math homework.

But for some parents the time they have to raise their children with the person they love is cut tragically short. For widowed people with children the common concerns of parenthood are eclipsed by the shadow of grief. Questions of which diaper to use are replaced by fears that their child won’t remember mommy or daddy. Some children’s first written words are, “Why did my mommy or daddy have to die?” Nine year olds may apply the extra emotion of loss to the smallest disappointment leading to angry tantrums fueled by missing a beloved parent. Teenage angst, scary territory under the best of circumstances, is greatly complicated by the tumult of death and loss. Perhaps the heaviest weight for widowed parents to carry is the fact that they often provide the road map for their children that shows them how to grieve.  Do we cry? Do we say our loved one’s name? Do we remember aloud? Do we continue our regular routines? Do we shut down, speed up, or spin in place?

How can widowed parents survive the searing pain of losing a partner, and also assume the role of only parent?  Each family’s route to healing is unique, but some common themes may help pave the way. Seek a compassionate family counselor. Join a group that addresses death and grief in age appropriate forums. Find ways to help your children store their memories. Honestly access your financial situation. Accept help when it is offered. Know that you have limits and you have needs. Allow your friends and family to drive carpool, help with homework, and buy groceries; they want to help. Try to arrange time away from the kids to sob and rage without witnesses. Cry in the shower. Know that children grieve in a new way at every developmental stage. Live in the moment and try to let tomorrow take care of itself. And finally, laugh, play, paint, watch a funny movie, blow bubbles~ let the inherent joy of your children be a balm for your family soul.

 

I wanted to share with you today three tips form my new book “Kickin’ Butt as a Single Parent-99 Tips That Every Single Parent Must Have”. I believe that these tips will help empower you as a parent to succeed like never before. I would love to hear back from you what tips have helped you over the years. Have a great weekend my friends…

 Tip 1: Create a personal song list.

This tip was one best things I ever did for myself. I made a list of my all-time favorite songs; the songs that meant the most to me in my past. Once I did this, I had a CD created with each song, and then downloaded it on to my I-Pod. Continue reading »