“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome.”

I was recently asked to write an article about becoming a single parent due to addiction or abuse. I guess that sometimes I forget that so many of us become single parents, not because we chose to and not because our marriage just didn’t work out, but because of addictions and abuse. Since I fall into the first category, single due to an addiction, I thought that I would try and understand what it truly means to become a single parent due to abuse.

Although I have lived this life, I still wanted to make sure that I had my basis and facts covered. The first thing that I did was go to the Internets all knowing dictionary, Wikipedia. Each time I go there I have the benefit viewing a page or two of relative information. Not much, but enough to get me up to speed on what it is I am trying to understand. This week I looked up the word “Abuse”. OMG (That’s text for those of you who don’t have teenagers which means OH MY GOD) There was page, after page, after page of definitions. Child abuse, dating abuse, addiction abuse, abuse of power and the big one domestic abuse. The definition ofdomestic abuse is described below: Continue reading »

 

I have a friend of mine who is an amazing single mother. She is always present for her children, but like so many of us single parents, not sure if she is getting through to her kids. Earlier this week she shared with me a “Creed” that her daughter wrote in school. What makes this letter so amazing is that over the years this beautiful young lady has been through allot. She has experienced the death of a sister, the divorce of her parents and a move to a new home. For all of us that worry about how our kids deal with life changing experiences, never forget that kids are very resilient, especially when we as parents are there for them.

 My Creed

I believe in sunsets and watching the stars Continue reading »

 

“With everything that happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.” Wayne Dyer

Over the years I have reflected back on this quote on more than one occasion. I have even sometimes wondered if the author was a single parent. During the the past eight years I have been through living with an addictive wife, a broken marriage, interventions, rehab. centers, a separation, a divorce, the death of my children’s mother, the death of their grandmother, the executor of two estates, an IRS audit (which I won), a failing business, the meltdown of my investments in the stock market, a depreciating home value, raising my children on my own 24/7, dealing with their grief, anxiety and fear issues while wondering when, or if, it will ever stop? So again I say to myself:

“With everything that happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.” Continue reading »

 

Have you ever felt as if you had other voices running around in your head telling you what to do? Have you ever felt as if those other voices in your head are constantly reminding you of what you do wrong, more than reminding you of what you do right? Do you ever wonder why all of those other voices in your head are in essence mini images of yourself? I know I sure do, at least I think I do. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t.  Oh hell, I don’t know what I think.

Now before you start to worry that maybe it’s time for me to seek professional help, and God knows it would be justified since I am raising two teenagers, stop and ask yourself if those other voices in your head are really defining who you are as a parent.  Parenting is a very confusing experience for all of us. It’s never right and it’s never wrong. It’s never black and it’s never white. There are times when I am convinced that I am doing the right thing, and then there are those times when I have no idea what I am doing. There are times when I feel guilty with the choices I make, and then there other times when I am proud of the choices I made. There are times when I rely on others for advice, and then there are times when I just wing it. There are times when I know that I should of handled the situation different, and there are times when I question how I ever made the right decision.

The problem for me is that each of my good decisions, each of my bad decisions, and each of my choices as a parent, seem to have their own little voice in my mind. There are times when I know that I made the right choice in dealing with my kids, but for some reason that voice never seems to speak up very loud. Then there are times when I know that I have made the wrong choice, only to have that voice scream  loud and clear at me. I have learned over the years that regardless of which little voice in my head is screaming the loudest, I need to remind myself that it is only one voice. Continue reading »

 

In the 1986 movie “Jerry Maguire” there is a famous line where Jerry (Tom Cruise) flies back home to meet Dorothy ( Renee Zellweger) to tell her that he loves her and wants her in his life, and she tells him “You had me at hello”. What made that line so famous was that although the couple had been arguing for sometime, those five words “You had me at hello” said it all.

Sometimes in life when we say less, we are actually saying more!

When I was growing up,  my friends and I would pass each other in the hall and nod our heads. It was our way of acknowledging each other. Nodding our heads was our way of letting the other person know that they meant something to us. Nodding our heads said it all. Continue reading »

 

OK now that I have your attention let me explain. For years, all I have heard is how tough it is for the single parent. How we have to do it all on our own. How we have no one to help. How we have so little time for ourselves and so much work. How our kids will be effected because they are being raised by a single parent. How sad it is. Well let me inform you all of one thing, I feel blessed to be raising my kids on my own. Oh sure it would be nice to have some extra help and a little more free time every now and then, but that’s life. As the saying goes “Stuff happens”. Get over it…  Stuff happens in every household. Below is a list of “stuff” that I, and only I, get to experience as a single parent.

  1. I’m on call 24/7. I like that, as it gives me a sense of purpose
  2. When the kids got hurt I got to kiss every boo-boo.
  3. I recognize fully that my children are uniquely gifted and valuable individuals because I get to watch it happen each and every day.
  4. I get to plan every birthday party and get 100% of the credit. This too gives me a sense of purpose.
  5. I get to create a warm and loving home, all by myself.
  6. I’m the one they call when they are sick at school.
  7. I’m also the one who misses work to take care of them.
  8. I get to teach them the value of friendships.
  9. I get to help them make good decisions on a daily basis, or at least watch as they lean from their bad decisions.
  10. I am the one that gets to take them school cloths shopping every time.
  11. I know everything about their medical and school records.
  12. The report cards always come to me.
  13. I am the only one that has to live by my decisions as a parent
  14. No ones tells me, “You should spend more time with the kids”.
  15. I know the difference between “wants” and “needs”.
  16. I get to teach my children how to be responsible for themselves.
  17. I have to demonstrate resilience and determination every day.
  18. Your kids know they’re loved.
  19. Your kids are proud of you, too.

You see there are really so many benefits to being a single parent. Am I exhausted at times? Sure I am, but it is a good exhaustion. Do I miss having extra free time? Sure I do, but on the flip side, I get too spend more time with my kids? Do I wish that I had more help? Definitely, but there is no greater satisfaction than knowing I am totally responsible for the kids. Do I have a fear that I may do something wrong? Yes I do, but fear is a great motivator. It motivates me to keep a smile on my face, hope in my heart and a belief that someday when my kids are older, they are going to say those four words to me and only me, that will bring me to my knees. Continue reading »

 

Have you ever heard the story about the little boy who answered the phone call?

One day, the phone rang, and the little boy answered.
“May I speak to your parents?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The police.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The firemen.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”

“So let me get this straight — your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?”

“Lookin for me.” Continue reading »