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Help Set Them Up So That They Don’t Deal With Mid-Life Crises
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Dec 072009
The other day, I wrote about parental projection and the negative impact on kids. I told a story about a little league dad laying his projection garbage on my kid and promised to tell a story about a similar occurrence with my daughter.
Here is that story– My daughter’s freshman year in high school found her in the homecoming court. I guess some things haven’t changed all that much since I was in high school in Texas. But it’s my assumption, at least in Texas, the pageantry associated with homecoming and prom has grown as if it were on steroids.
As part of being in the homecoming court, my daughter and I were to walk arm-in-arm to mid-field at half time of the big homecoming football game. They would announce our names and all the accomplishments that made her “homecoming court material”.
We both got dressed up, as we needed to fit in with the rest of the pageant participants, and out we walked. As we walked along the out-of-bounds line and got to the 50 yard line to make that turn onto midfield, a lady said to my daughter, ”Smile honey, this is the biggest day of your life!”
My daughter put on a Hollywood smile for the lady and speaking through her clenched teeth said to me, “Oh God, Dad, I hope this isn’t the biggest day of my life! I hope my life holds far more than this.”
I laughed, and I told her perhaps it was the biggest day of that lady’s life. But I was for sure betting that she would have many more outstanding and far more memorable days than this. People will push their stuff onto your kids at every turn, and your job as a parent is to keep those kids on their true path and not the one that you or someone else wants to project onto them. Let them live their lives.
My daughter had all new projection visited on her recently when she graduated from high school. We had a chance to talk about how significant and insignificant high school graduation really is. We talked about it merely being a passage – not unlike many other coming or historic passages in her life. This was simply another change of shoes.
I did tell her, however, that one great aspect about this passage was that she now had an opportunity to completely reinvent herself if she so chose. I told her that she was going off to college and only about 10 out of 40,000 people would have any notion of who she was. She now could become whoever she wanted to be. Heck, I told her, she could even put on a British accent if she so choose. Nobody would know any better of it.
The real point to this is that she could finally be exactly who she wanted to be, free from the constraints and projections of her mom and dad and teachers and grandparents and others. She could put away any and all masks she may have been wearing in the past and open up that wonderful life she chooses. She could step into her dance shoes and dance—-Dance in her true shoes.
Here is that story– My daughter’s freshman year in high school found her in the homecoming court. I guess some things haven’t changed all that much since I was in high school in Texas. But it’s my assumption, at least in Texas, the pageantry associated with homecoming and prom has grown as if it were on steroids.
As part of being in the homecoming court, my daughter and I were to walk arm-in-arm to mid-field at half time of the big homecoming football game. They would announce our names and all the accomplishments that made her “homecoming court material”.
We both got dressed up, as we needed to fit in with the rest of the pageant participants, and out we walked. As we walked along the out-of-bounds line and got to the 50 yard line to make that turn onto midfield, a lady said to my daughter, ”Smile honey, this is the biggest day of your life!”
My daughter put on a Hollywood smile for the lady and speaking through her clenched teeth said to me, “Oh God, Dad, I hope this isn’t the biggest day of my life! I hope my life holds far more than this.”
I laughed, and I told her perhaps it was the biggest day of that lady’s life. But I was for sure betting that she would have many more outstanding and far more memorable days than this. People will push their stuff onto your kids at every turn, and your job as a parent is to keep those kids on their true path and not the one that you or someone else wants to project onto them. Let them live their lives.
My daughter had all new projection visited on her recently when she graduated from high school. We had a chance to talk about how significant and insignificant high school graduation really is. We talked about it merely being a passage – not unlike many other coming or historic passages in her life. This was simply another change of shoes.
I did tell her, however, that one great aspect about this passage was that she now had an opportunity to completely reinvent herself if she so chose. I told her that she was going off to college and only about 10 out of 40,000 people would have any notion of who she was. She now could become whoever she wanted to be. Heck, I told her, she could even put on a British accent if she so choose. Nobody would know any better of it.
The real point to this is that she could finally be exactly who she wanted to be, free from the constraints and projections of her mom and dad and teachers and grandparents and others. She could put away any and all masks she may have been wearing in the past and open up that wonderful life she chooses. She could step into her dance shoes and dance—-Dance in her true shoes.
…happy parenting…
When the kid’s mom passed away I had so many emotions rushing through me. Anger, anxiety, fear, concern and sorrow were just a few to mention. I was not at all prepared for her passing. My only concern at the time was what the hell do we do now? I believed that I was mentally prepared for raising my kids as a single parent, but totally naïve as to what that meant. I had so much coming at me that I was honestly in a fog for quite some time. I never ever sat down and thought about how this was going to affect me. My only concern was for Jack and Michaela. How were they going to handle the loss of a mother? Do they need counseling? Was I going to do the right things at the right time or was I just going to make things more confusing for them. Well here we sit 2 ½ years later and for the most part I think that we have weathered the storm alright. I know that they will have some skeletons in their past, but I can only do what I believe is best for them and then pray that they are ok in life. I can never replace what they have lost, but what I can do is never let them forget how much their mother loved them and the good memories that still exist today.
Two years ago I decided that the best way to do this was to create a memory box for each of them. A special box that had a picture of them with their mother embossed on the top and filled with reminders of their mom inside. Pictures of them together, school drawings that they did for her, jewelry that their mom had , stuffed animals that she gave them and the list goes on and on. I was so excited to do this but as time went on I found myself putting it off week after week. They say that as time goes on the memories of loved ones begins to fade. I do not want this to happen to my kids. I am mad at myself for waiting so long to make this a reality. But I am also one who believes that you can not dwell on the mistakes of your past only learn from them. Continue reading »
Last week I blogged my kids being home from school for the third day due to the snow storm we had here in Denver. I received a lot of emails of support and encouragement from my friends in Colorado and a few “huh” “huh” comments from my friends in sunny southern California. Well as I sit here today I want all of my California friends (that would be Tracy, Mary and Dorcy) to know that today the temperature here in Denver is approaching 80 degrees. Denver has the most amazing climate. If you true enjoy four seasons, Colorado is a great place to call home.
I am reminded that living here is sometimes like communicating with my kids. Some days are stormy and other days are sunny, but whatever the climate, it is guaranteed to change on you before you know it. I have learned to appreciate the sunny days as well as the stormy days. They will all eventually pass, so appreciate them for what they are. It doesn’t matter to me if I am having a sunny communication day or a stormy day, I am at least enjoying the moment.
I thought that this week I would give you one of my You-Tube Videos about communicating with your kids. I hope that you enjoy it. For me I am headed outside to enjoy the weather. Have a great weekend everybody. Continue reading »
I have decided to change my kid’s names from Jack and Michaela to Dow and NASDAQ. Why you ask? It’s because I believe that raising them is like investing in the stock market. As long as I put something into it each month I am bound to get a good return on my investment. At least that’s what the experts tell me. Recently I have found that my success with the kids has been similar to my recent returns in the stock market. Dismal! I have scratched my head, reviewed my parental investing strategy and made some adjustments. But still I am not seeing the returns that I had hoped for. I keep telling myself that’s its not how I start but how I finish. This would make sense if I was a marathon runner, but as a single dad I am a sprinter. I sprint from school event to sporting event, from grocery store to doctor’s appointments, from homework assignments to dinners. I want to see a return NOW!
My financial planner tells me to have patience. Follow the plan, and that all things are difficult before they are easy. Easy for him to say, he’s getting paid monthly on what I invest with him. I want to see a return NOW!
I know that I am not the only single parent that wants a return on his investment NOW. Why does this have to be so difficult? You give, you love, you encourage, you discipline and you lead but still I am not seeing the results. I want a return NOW! Continue reading »
Sep 232008
That’s right I’m kicking them out. I have had enough. For the past five years they have been with me 24/7 and I just feel that it is time for them to go. I’ve read about kids in France being allowed to stay longer, but just because my kids like french fries and crepes doesn’t make them French. I have heard that in some third world countries they don’t even get to stay near this long. If we lived in China it might be easier since I would probably only have one child, not two. It is honestly time to kick them out. It’s not that I don’t love my children. In fact I love them more than anything in the world. I just can’t take it any longer. I have to kick them out.
I have said before that being a single dad is one of the most rewarding experiences you could ever have. It has given me the opportunity to bond with my kids in so many ways (note last week’s blog). We as a family are closer than I could have ever wished for, but it’s time. I am going to kick them out. I hope for their sake that they stick together. I think that they will but if not, I will sleep well knowing that I have done all that I could, to prepare them for this moment.
We have talked about this before, so I really don’t think that it will come as a surprise to either one of them. If it does, then I will just do what every other successful parent would do, I’ll bribe them. That always works. Don’t kid yourselves; we have all bribed our kids at one time or another. “If you behave in church we will go have ice cream afterwards” or, “Get good grades and I will buy you something special”. Heck parents have been bribing kids since the day they were born. Why not now? If I need to bribe my kids one last time then so be it. I’m kicking them out. Continue reading »