Michael

Michael Searer, a corporate executive, is the full time, single parent to three beautiful children, Austin (12), Zachary (9), and Gracie (9). Just months after his divorce, which resulted in a part-time parenting role for Michael, his former wife and mother of his children was fatally injured in an automobile accident. Michael was suddenly faced with parenting circumstances he never envisioned. However, his steadfast belief that the children's emotional and physical health were priority above all else remained the guide through his life journey. The lessons learned through parenting experiences under these difficult circumstances changed Michael's life and positively impacted his parenting perspective. Michael has recently begun writing for Single Parent Magazine, an online publication dedicated to helping single parents navigate through the journeys of parenthood. He and his family reside in Northern Alabama. Michael can be found on Facebook (michael searer) and Twitter (@MAVZ3).

Kids Will Be Kids, So Let Them.

 Posted by Michael on November 18, 2011  General  No Responses »
Nov 182011
 

This month is the 5 year anniversary of my ex-wife’s accident and subsequent death. It can be a bittersweet time of year. On one hand, it is the time of year we give thanks for all we have been blessed with. On the other hand, it is difficult not to think of where we were and what we were doing for that 2 week period 5 years ago. More than anything else, I reflect on how far my children have come in that time, and how I have adjusted.

I really struggled adjusting to becoming a single parent for the first year and a half. It was a period of trial and error (mostly error on my part). I often reflect on what I could have done differently and how I can keep from making those same mistakes again. A topic I often fall back on is my expectations of my children.

My twins were a few months shy of turning 5 and my oldest son was half a year away from turning 8 when their mother died. As I adjusted to being a fulltime, single parent, I seem to expect my children to act like adults. I don’t mean I expected them to handle the loss of their mother like an adult, but rather the level of responsibility I bestowed upon them. In hindsight, I realize this was a result of my own weaknesses in adjusting to the new normal we found ourselves living. Continue reading »

Being The Cool Parent.

 Posted by Michael on November 4, 2011  General  No Responses »
Nov 042011
 

I have the distinct pleasure of being called a “cool parent”. I can still relate to most of what my kids and their friends experience. Maybe that is because I am still a kid at heart, or maybe it shows my immaturity. I leave that question up to those who know me best. Regardless, I think most parents want to be considered cool. Being a cool parent has several meanings depending on one’s perspective. I don’t want my kids or their friends thinking I am “da bomb” or “sick” or “cramazing” or “badonkadonk” or “off the heezie fo sheezie” because of what I let them get away with. I want them to think I am “cray-cray” and “rockin” and “off the hizzle” because of the respect they have in me as a parent.

Parents walk a fine line when it comes to being cool. What we have to remember is that one of the most important jobs we have as parents is to lead by example. It’s also one of the hardest jobs we have as parents.

Every few months you see a news story of a parent who bought alcohol for their teenager and friends, only to have one or several of them drive off drunk and die in a tragic car accident. That’s not cool. That is utter stupidity, carelessness and irresponsible. Continue reading »

Raised By Wolves.

 Posted by Michael on October 14, 2011  General  5 Responses »
Oct 142011
 

After 5 years of being single, I find myself in a relationship with a wonderful woman who took me by surprise. A couple weeks ago, I introduced my children to her over dinner and it went better than I ever would have expected. My kids came away using words like “awesome” and “amazing” to describe her. I was absolutely thrilled!

I have 9 year old twins (boy and girl) and a 12 year old son. Recently, I came to the realization that the twins have actually lived with me as a single parent longer than they knew their mommy, who passed away when they were 4. I started thinking about my daughter and how not having a mommy has affected her. I didn’t have to look farther than our dinner with my female friend.

My daughter would not stop talking the entire evening. My sons could not get a word in. I often joke how my daughter enjoys the sound of her voice so much that she constantly talks to hear it, regardless of content! She is a chatterbox, if there ever was one. Later in the evening, she moved over to sit next to my friend and they engaged in great conversation. My friend thought my daughter may have been a little jealous, but I knew better. It wasn’t jealousy. It was the need for female attention. Continue reading »

Boundaries and Grandparents.

 Posted by Michael on September 23, 2011  General  1 Response »
Sep 232011
 

My parents live 700 miles away from me and I have no family closer than that. My deceased ex-wife’s mother lives only a few miles from us and is a big part of my children’s lives. It can be very helpful at times, but also very trying. Truth be told, she and I have never had a very “warm and fuzzy” relationship and since the loss of her daughter, additional stessors have been added to the equation. Not least of which are the differences in our parenting styles.

Often times, our parents believe because they have already raised a child or children, they know what is best for our own children. We can definitely learn from our parents, but they do not know our own children better than we do and should not attempt to enforce their parenting skills on our children without the parent’s consent.

You must set expectations and communicate them clearly to the grandparents. Let’s face it, few of us raise our children in the manner our parents raised us or their parents raised them. We have significant generational gaps and how we parent is affected by these gaps. It is not fair to the grandparents or our children, if we do not clearly communicate our expectations to them. Continue reading »

Remember Them Well.

 Posted by Michael on September 9, 2011  General  No Responses »
Sep 092011
 

With the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 only a couple days away, I have been reflecting (as I’m sure many of you have) on how the events on that tragic day have changed our lives.

I have seen countless news and web articles on the negative impact September 11th had, including the increased security in airports, the impact to our civil liberties, our view of government and the political climate, religious and cultural intolerance, and concern for our future in general. While each of these topics has some degree of legitimacy, they are also depressing thoughts.

Nearly 3,000 innocent people lost their lives that day, and that does not include the thousands who have since died while fighting for our country. These individuals died needlessly, but their deaths do not have to be in vain. Instead of remembering those who lost their lives by focusing on the negative impact our world has experienced since 9/11, I choose to pay tribute to them by focusing on the many positive changes my family has experienced as a result of their sacrifice. Continue reading »

Your New Normal.

 Posted by Michael on September 2, 2011  General  1 Response »
Sep 022011
 

A few months after the death of my ex-wife, my pastor gave a message on the “new normal”. I was amazed how much he seemed to be talking to me. The fact I remember it over four years later speaks volumes. I now see it used in conjunction with our lives after September 11, climate change, the economy, physical appearance, career and other areas. Have you stopped to think that what is now normal, was once a “new normal”? Think about your life after marriage or after having children.

Now, think about your life since becoming a single parent. The common theme to a new normal is the ability to adapt and change to new circumstances. If there was ever a new normal, it was when we became single parents. Just before Tara was taken off life support, my former father-in-law pulled me aside and said we are all going to grieve and be affected by her death, but no ones life will be changed as much as mine.  Regardless of the circumstances which lead to you becoming a single parent, each of our lives changed in dramatic fashion.

I thought by maintaining a sense of normalcy, my children would be better off.  Keeping to the same routine was an important part of that normalcy.  The problem was, things were not normal anymore, at least as far as we understood them to be up to that point.  When you became a single parent, almost every area of your life was affected to some extent.  One the biggest obstacles I had to overcome was time management.  We no longer had 4 hands, 2 incomes or 2 drivers to maintain our household. Continue reading »

Do What’s Right.

 Posted by Michael on August 26, 2011  General  4 Responses »
Aug 262011
 

I have often been accused of being brutally honest at times. A lot of people like that characteristic, but I will admit I often say things I wish I hadn’t. This is not one of them. Many of you may disagree with what I am about to write, but this is a blog, which by nature is someone’s opinion.

As parents, our number one priority is our children. No one wants to acknowledge we have limitations, but if we are to be the best parents possible, single and custodial parents must make sacrifices. Choosing a career that allows flexibility is doing what is right for your children.  We strive to be successful in our careers. Our success has a direct impact on how/what we can provide our children. That being said, our children need our love and our presence. They can do without material things, but they cannot do without you. They cannot do without our love and our presence. I learned this from personal experience.
Most careers are time consuming. The time being consumed is often time a single parent should be spending with their children. Our children have experienced a loss through divorce, death of a parent, abandonment, drug or alcohol abuse, etc. The last thing they need is for the parent they rely on to be missing from their lives due to something they can control, and we CAN control our careers.

How many ball games, teacher conferences, open houses, doctors’ appointments, dance recitals, class parties have you missed due to your work schedule? How often do you miss helping your children study for the next day’s test, comfort them when they are home sick, sit around the table and eat together, play a board game with them, go out and throw the ball around, say prayers and tuck them in at night?
What do you think is most important to your children?
Our children are our #1 priority, not our career.
I realize each of us must work to feed our children, put a roof over their head, clothe them, provide healthcare, pay the bills, etc. But, we do have options in how we go about it.
Many people are blessed with flexibility in their career. I am one of those people, but that wasn’t always the case. I have gone through 2 career changes so that I can be there for my children. You have the choice. No, choice is not the right word. You have the responsibility to find a career/job which allows flexibility to care for your kids. Continue reading »

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