Brooke

Finding Happiness in Letting My Son Roam Free

 Posted by Brooke on April 25, 2010  General  No Responses »
Apr 252010
 

There has been a lot of talk in the past few years about Free Range Parenting vs. Helicopter Parenting. I’ve never denied that I am a bit of a hoverer, of the helicopter variety. Last week I talked about giving up control, and I knew that I needed to start walking the walk a little bit more.

When I read that Lenore Skenazy let her 9 year old son ride the subway and bus home alone from Bloomingdale’s in New York City in 2008, I was shocked and mortified. I could not believe that a mother would do that to her child. “Aren’t the streets of NYC incredibly dangerous? He isn’t old enough to fight off a predator! How could she live with herself if something awful happened to her child?” were questions that raced through my brain.

I understand her argument, and I honestly agree with some of what she is saying. I know I can’t take care of everything for my son forever and I don’t want to. I want him to be self-reliant. I want him to know that he is highly capable of making things happen for himself. I want to trust him with his own life, but deep in my heart I kind of feel like it is my job to protect that life. Continue reading »

Learning to Give Up Control…or Not

 Posted by Brooke on April 18, 2010  Dealing with Divorce and Your Ex, General, Raising Children as a Single Parent  1 Response »
Apr 182010
 

Co-parenting is an intricate dance that is incredibly difficult to master. Trying to figure out the proper steps, trusting your partner to do what they are suppossed to and learning to let go of what you have no control over is not an easy process.

Lately I have been learning the act of giving up control. While I like to think of myself as spontaneous and fun, the truth of the matter is that I am a bit of a micro manager when it comes to being a mom. My best friend Abby recently brought to my attention when we were at her house for dinner that I asked my son if he was okay no less than 50 times in the four hours we were there. Hmmm…that may have been a bit excessive. I mean how much trouble could an almost ten year old boy get into the living room of a townhouse in suburbia while playing the Wii while I was in the kitchen? And didn’t I think that Christian would tell me if he wasn’t okay? It opened my eyes to how often I need to reassure myself that my son is alive, healthy and generally happy.

If I am that obsessive with my son’s wellbeing while he is with me, I am sure you can imagine what a crazy environment my head is when my son is with his dad for a week at a time (our custody arrangement is one week with mom, one week with dad.) I feel so vulnerable when Christian is with his dad. I have no control over what my son is doing for an entire week. It is torture. Continue reading »

Accepting the Step: When Your Child Has a New Parent

 Posted by Brooke on April 12, 2010  Dealing with Divorce and Your Ex, General, Raising Children as a Single Parent  1 Response »
Apr 122010
 

Single parenthood can be a confusing world to navigate. Just when I thought I was starting to figure my world out, my 5 year old son dropped the bomb that he was going to have two moms! You can imagine my surprise upon hearing this, as his dad and his now step-mom had only been dating for a few months. When your child has a new parent – a step-parent – a whole new playing field is created. There is a new player in the game, and trying to figure out this persons role can be incredibly difficult. The following advice has helped me along the road to creating a working relationship with my son’s step-mother.

You Don’t Have to Like Her

I can’t tell you how many times I have been asked if I like my ex’s wife. What I tell them is, “She loves Christian, and that is really the only thing that matters to me.” I am not saying I don’t like her, but the fact of the matter is that it makes no difference if I like her or not. To be perfectly honest, we go back and forth. We have been friends, and we have not gotten along. But at the end of the day the only thing that really matters is that she is good to my son and I cannot ask more of her than that. Continue reading »

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Keeping the Lines of Communication Open for Big Talks and Small Ones

 Posted by Brooke on April 4, 2010  General  2 Responses »
Apr 042010
 

It is important to instill in all children a sense of comfort in communicating with their parents. As your child gets older, the questions and struggles that your child needs to address with you get more difficult. The queries don’t always have easy answers, but it is important to answer your child as honestly as is appropriate. As the trust and comfort builds in your child, you will realize that it is more comfortable for you, and that the scary, awkward conversations you have been dreading are now completely manageable.

As a co-parent, I have realized that there are more “big talks” that I get to address. Questions such as, “Why don’t you live with my dad anymore,” get sprinkled in with the talks about the birds and the bees. We have had some serious topics that we have had to discuss, and as my son gets older, the conversations get more difficult. But it warms my heart that he is still coming to me and asking me these questions. 

Since he was young, I have strived to approach topics with him at his level. He was only 2 when I left his dad, so there wasn’t a big talk about why his dad and I didn’t work out. The explanation was simple, “You get to have two houses now! Mommy lives here, and daddy lives at the other house.” And at two, that was all of the explanation he needed. Continue reading »

Single Parent’s Day is Today!

 Posted by Brooke on March 21, 2010  General  No Responses »
Mar 212010
 

Happy Single Parent’s Day!

Today is the day to celebrate yourselves. I know that we have Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, but today is a little more specific to us. Being a parent is hard. The most rewarding thing I have ever done, but it is still hard. As a single parent, our job gets a little more difficult. And for those of you who are doing this all on your own, I can’t even begin to express the admiration I have for you.

Single Parent’s Day is every March 21st. It is not highly publicized, and heck, I wouldn’t have even known about it unless I stumbled across it on the internet a few weeks ago. I wouldn’t expect your child to have a special gift or card, or even be ready with a, “Happy Single Parent’s Day, Mom!” What this day has come to mean to me, is a day that I can be proud of myself. And all of you.

Today in honor of your day, do something fun with your kids if you have them. Take a few hours from the hustle of chores, and homework, and responsibilities and do something fun. Let them know that it is Single Parent’s Day, and tell them how much you love being their parent, and thank them for being who they are. Continue reading »

Reinventing Quality Time

 Posted by Brooke on March 14, 2010  Balancing Work and Children, Getting Your New Life In Order, Raising Children as a Single Parent, The Craziness of Single Parenting  1 Response »
Mar 142010
 

There has been a lot of talk this week about spending quality time with your kids. Everyone must be feeling the same emotional yearning I am to slow down time and stop their kids from rapidly growing up. As children get older and have priorities of their own, your quality time with your child may seem less and less.

When I first started this single parent journey over 7 years ago, I was determined to not be that stereotypical single mom that Hollywood so often portrayed. You know the one…she is always frazzled and on the go, dinners consist of leftovers being heated up and thrown on the table, and the only face to face time she gets with her kids is the kiss good-bye as she is running out the door to her night job. I knew the life I had just left was not the life I wanted, but the stereotypical single mom life certainly wasn’t what I wanted either. I didn’t just want quality time with my son, I needed it. There had to be another way, and I was determined to figure it out.

My son was two when I left his father. I moved only a few blocks away so that sharing custody would be as easy as possible. In those first few years we switched parenting nights every-other day. And every-other day when I picked my son up from daycare, everything else in the world was pushed aside. This was my time with my son; he was my only care in the world for those hours few precious hours between daycare and bedtime. Nothing else took precedence. I was determined to be the opposite of those Hollywood stereotypes. We would have quality mom and son time. I was going to be a fun mom, no matter how exhausted I was. I would pick up my son, and the adventure began. Continue reading »

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Working Towards a Successful Co-parenting Relationship

 Posted by Brooke on March 7, 2010  Raising Children as a Single Parent  No Responses »
Mar 072010
 

Friday I got an email from my son’s 4th grade teacher. In it, she wrote, “By the way, I respect the way you and Matt work together on Christian’s behalf!  He is lucky to have two parents that care so much!” I immediately sent Matt, my son’s father, a text message relaying the compliment and giving him kudos. It was such a proud moment for us, because it hasn’t always been easy to get to this place.

Co-parenting can be difficult, and it is for most people. You and your ex are no longer one parenting unit; you are two individuals working towards the same goal of raising a happy and healthy child. Most single parents forget this common goal, and things get ugly. When you loose sight of the goal, co-parenting becomes an absolute nightmare. Emotions and past differences can enter the picture, and all of a sudden you are hanging up on one another, arguing about issues that have nothing to do with parenting and spending most of your time generally hating each other. Co-parenting does not have to be a horrendous experience. When you find a way to successfully co-parent it makes life much easier for you and your ex, and most importantly your child.

Matt and I have been co-parenting from separate homes for the last 7 ½ years. It hasn’t always been the friendly, supportive, successful relationship that it is now. It took us a few years to adjust to this new partnership. It didn’t only take time; it took putting our differences, our pride, and our righteousness aside to focus on the goal. It has taken hard work. The goal is always the same: a happy and healthy child. It always comes back to the happiness and the health of the child. That’s it. If you can remember this, you are on your way to creating a successful co-parenting partnership. Continue reading »

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