Dear Austin, Gracie and Zachary.
I have often thought of sitting down and writing a letter to you all, but truth be told, I never felt I could adequately put the depth of my emotions in writing. Just the thought of this letter brings a tear to my eye, and I am sure by the time I am done, the tears will be flowing freely.
You guys have experienced more in your young lives than most people do in half a lifetime. You had to experience the divorce of your mommy and daddy. I cannot tell you how sorry I am for putting you through that. I know how hard it was and my heart ached for each of you. What I will tell you is mommy and daddy’s divorce had absolutely nothing to do with the three of you. Sometimes parents have issues which cannot be resolved, but is not caused by you and does not diminish our love for you. I know I sound like a hypocrite, but marriage is a union between God, man and wife. When you find the love of your life, hold on and do everything you can to make it last. Never enter into marriage believing that divorce is an option if things start to get rough, because they will get rough. Marriage is not easy, but it can be worth every ounce of energy you put into making it work.
The most difficult time of your young lives was when mommy unexpectedly passed away a few short months after our divorce. I’m not going to pretend to know why it happened. Truth is, I still get angry with God over her death at times. I still get angry with your mommy at times, and I know you all get angry with her, also. At your mommy’s funeral, our pastor said he couldn’t explain it, either. He said sometimes bad things happen to good people. That may be, but I still could not understand why it happened to her. I want you guys to know this, I never stopped loving your mommy. I love her to this day, and I miss her terribly. Life is fragile and I know you each lost a part of yourself. Divorce or not, I lost a big part of myself, also. Your mommy blessed me with three of the most beautiful children a man could ask for. She and I will always have that connection. Never doubt your mommy’s love for you. She beamed with pride at the thought of you, and took you everywhere she could just to show you off. She is your guardian angel and will always be with you, wherever you may go. I know her parting left a void in each of us, but it’s time we filled that gap with fond memories of her.
I want you each to know that I have loved you since before you were born. Before the thought of you ever entered our minds. I knew from a very early age that God placed me on this earth to be a father. I never expected it to be under these conditions. I could not be more happy to be your father. You are the sun that shines through the blinds, waking me each morning.
Each of you make me laugh, make me cry, keep me strong and going when I need it. You bring a smile to my face and a tear to my eye each time you hug me and tell me you love me. You drive me crazy at times, but that is part of what makes each of you unique. Cherish your individuality. Be a leader, not a follower.
I love you beyond measure, but there will be times when you do not like me very much. It’s not because I do not love you. To the contrary, it is because I love you beyond measure. I may not give you everything you want, or say what you think you need to hear. You may think I ignore you when you need to be listened to. I always listen and never ignore. I choose carefully what and how I should respond. I’m not being mean. I am trying to teach you responsibility, discipline and independence. As your father/mother, I want you to be more successful than I ever dreamed of being. I cannot help you achieve that by giving into your every whim.
I am not superman. I have bad days and sometimes I’m not very fun to be around. I bleed like all people do. My feelings get hurt, too. I may seem strong to you, but my heart still hurts at times. Just because you don’t see my pain doesn’t mean it’s not there. As much as I would like for you to think I am perfect, I am not. I lose my temper and get frustrated. I may drink a beer or smoke a cigar. I may spend a Saturday watching college football instead of cleaning house. I may drop a cuss word in front of you. I’m not perfect, but I am your father. I make mistakes.
I love you unconditionally. I have and will all my life. God placed me on this earth to raise you. I may falter at times, but never question my love for you.Growing up in a spiritual family, I always heard the word “agape” referred to as the love God has for His children. I understood that to be unconditional love. I never understood what it really meant until you were born.
I cannot predict the future, but I can predict that nothing you do will ever change my love for you.
My greatest joy in life is watching you grow and mature. I can only hope that I do justice in raising the three most beautiful children in the world.
I am yours and you are mine.
Immeasurably,
Daddy
Michael's dad was kind enough to share this letter with me. Unfortunately I never met Michael but I get the picture of a richly endowed and warm human being who explains beautifully why and how we can cherish the memory of a loved one lost. I trust the children take notice that they may have lost a battle once, but together they'll sure as heck win the war.
I appreciate the kind words, Dan. I believe we have won the war over loss, as well. Unfortunately, I have to wait until the kids have grown and have a family of their own before I can truly know. Until then, we will enjoy the time we have together and I will do the best I can to make sure they honor their mother's memory every way they can.