Did Your Ex Treat You This Well?

As I sat down to write this blog, I knew what I wanted to write about but I was struggling with how to write it – how to get the message across. I thought of a few different examples to throw out. I even started one version with asking questions. Nothing felt right until I decided to just  get straight to it. No soft interlude needed. The question just needs to be asked.

Here it is…

DO YOU THINK YOUR EX TREATS HIS/HER NEW PARTNER BETTER THAN HE/SHE TREATED YOU?

Have things like this gone through your head?

~He didn’t take me on a vacation, out to dinner, brought me flowers, or___________. You can fill in the blank.

~She wasn’t that affectionate with me.

~He didn’t care how he looked around me now he is dressing like a human.

~She never cooked for me. Now she is all of a sudden Betty Crocker.

~He never looked at me like that.

~All of a sudden he is Mr. Social but with me we never left the house.

And then we get personal:

~Why didn’t I deserve to be treated that well?

~Why did he stop loving me?

~What does she/he have that I don’t?

~What is so wrong with me?

I could go on but I think we all get it and have felt at least one of these ways in the wake of a break up.

I am watching one of my divorced friends struggle with this now. There might even bean internal dialogue going on in her head that sounds something like this: “I actually did something for myself by leaving someone who was not good to me or for me and now I am the one sitting home alone and he is off happy as a clam with his new girlfriend.”

I have news for all of us who have felt any of these ways and spent too much of our precious time engaging in internal dialogue…IT IS ALL ERRONEOUS THOUGHTS AND THINKING THESE THINGS ARE DOING ONE THING…CAUSING PAIN!

So…STOP IT.

Easier said than done right? I know you can say there is so much evidence to support all of those thoughts and feelings.  But evidence does not always mean truth.

Now, what I am going to say next might not make a whole lot of sense at face value but hopefully it will by the time you get to the end of this blog.

THE TRUTH DOESN’T HURT! IN FACT, IT FEELS GOOD BECAUSE FACTS DON’T HURT…ONLY STORIES DO.

Let me explain. The truth is always embedded in facts. It is not birthed in stories or perceptions. Those are the things that cause hurt. The truth begs for neutrality and objectivity. So, let’s use a real life example.

Your ex is on vacation with his new girlfriend and the only vacation he took you on was camping and you were the one who did all the work. You are thinking, nice vacation for me. Now, there he is on a wonderful vacation with his new girlfriend and it is leaving you building stories, asking questions, and basically torturing yourself. I want you to know, his vacation with his new girlfriend has absolutely nothing to do with you. Here are the facts:

He is on vacation with his new girlfriend. THAT IS IT MY FRIEND! Everything else that is going through your head is simply not true.

Here are some more facts:

~We are worth and deserve to be treated exactly how we want to be. Do it all for yourself. The rest will follow. Might be time to take yourself on a vacation.

~Those questions going through our heads are just questioning our self-worth. They are not there to hurt us but to show us that we are incorrect in our thinking. Make a list of things that are awesome about you and believe them.

~Negative feelings are a way to tell us that our thinking is off. Think something that feels good. Think about what you would tell your child if they were feeling this same way.

~People don’t always act the way we want them to. The only person we can control is ourselves. And if your next thought is…well I would never do what he/she has done. Go back to the drawing board. You are still making it about them.

~Everyone is on their own journey. It’s rarely if ever about us unless we make it about us.

So, I guess the moral of the story is stop comparing his/her new life to the life you had
with him/her. It will only cause you pain. The relationship is over because it
was broken. You don’t have to be.

Oh, and one more thing…

~His taste in clothes may have changed over the years.

Thank God, right?!

Until next week….

Davis.

Davis Ehrler, Infant/Child Sleep Consultant, Parenting Coach, and creator of The 3 Day Sleep Solution has been assisting parents in creating healthy sleep, healthy eating, and effective discipline with their children for almost 10 years.

She can be found at 3daysleepsolution.com, 3daysleep.com, twitter: 3daysleepdavis, Facebook: The 3 Day Sleep Solution