My boys will be returning from a 2-week stay at their father’s. I am looking forward to seeing them, and I know we will all go through a “re-entry” process, where they transition back to the orbit that is our house. They have been living the bachelor life of late nights and sleeping in. Once I heard them say, “It’s like a whole different world at our dad’s. We’re different people.”
At first I thought, “Oh no, that can’t be true.” But I think it is. To them our worlds are like night and day and the rules–well, they are different, the pace is different. We are different parents.
That can be fun, but it must be hard for them, too.
When they have been gone I have been reading a book on children of divorce call “Between to Worlds.” The author is a child of divorce and she and her coauthor interviewed children of divorce (now grown) and also did an extensive survey.
The gist: children of divorce do not just experience a short time of transition after the divorce and then recover and go back to a normal life as many people seem to want to think. These adults interviewed often reveal their childhood feelings of isolation and confusion and speak openly about how it has affected their future lives.
The researchers say that children of divorce also noted that the learned to be “chameleon like” moving in between the two worlds (often with different moral codes) of their divorced parents (and often with new step siblings and parents). This two-world experience made it difficult to decide which was the “good” way to live. Those interviewed said they kept “secrets” as to not upset or hurt the other parent. Many said they spent much time alone or with a parent who was very interested in finding another mate. Another chapter talks about how many children of divorce are praised at being so “responsible and mature”, yet those interviewed noted that they felt “grown up” and isolated very early in life. The findings in the book–while not always comforting–provide an interesting perspective and in many instances seemed to be on target.
One thing that people often say is how “resilient” children of divorce are, yet until we can understand how each child is feeling during divorce and in the many years in the aftermath can we help them navigate (and possibly reconcile) between their two worlds.
I know when my boys come I will try to be there for them, to listen to what they have to say and not to ask too many prying questions or be mad that they stayed up late or at junk food. I know they will miss seeing their father each day and I will try to comfort them the best I can. It’s not easy being divorced–if you are the parent or the child.
