Recently I was asked to write a blog about how long after seperating should you start dating again. That has been a question on my mind too and although I don’t have an exact answer I can give you, I do have my thoughts around the topic.
I once had a client tell me I should wait till Paris is 16 to start dating again. Of course, every time I looked at this person all I can see was Jack Nicholason in the shining look in her eyes. So needless to say, I didn’t take her advice to much to heart. I think the first thing to look at with this question is the word should. There is no other word in the dictionary that repels me more than this word. Anyone attempting to tell me what I “should” do immediately gets met with my invisible wall and it goes in one ear and out the other. The unfortunate tragedy of the human race is when we operate our lives based on the shoulds of others.
With that in mind, I would say rather than thinking there is a defined set of rules that you should adhere to, think of it more along the lines of guideliness that are in alignment with your values and help you get what you want from life not what someone wants or think is best for you. For example, maybe you are someone (myself included) that has put off marriage because you are not going to settle just because you are in your 30′s and still not married yet. I’ve been lucky in that I haven’t received too much direct pressure on this issue. But, society itself creates a sometimes unspoken pressure on women to be married. And if we aren’t, well then something is deemed wrong with us. Or maybe you are someone that decided to leave the relationship because you were experiencing emotional and mental abuse. And rather than listening to some of your friends and family tell you that you should stay together for the sake of the children even though you both are miserable, you opted to take you and your children away from the situation to create a happier life.
Ok, I think you get my point that operating from a place that involves a should has a greater potential of creating disharmony in your life. Ok, off my soap box on that one. Whew. That felt good.
So here are my beliefs (again, only my beliefs) that I feel would be some guidelines you can follow that put you in a healthier position to know in your gut that you are ready for another relationship and not just seeking to fill the void.
Take some time to understand what happened to make the relationship go bad. It takes two to tango so you have just as much a role in being in a unsatisfactory relationship as your partner. That’s not a blame. That’s an empowering thing. I have learned a lot from listening to a relationship coach called Christian Carter. He really opend my mind to understanding how my actions and emotions are interpreted by men and has helped me to get inside the mind of a man. He has taught me that my explanations for their behaviors have been quite inaccurate many times. Once I started understanding more how many really think and feel, I have started having different experiences with them. The point is, take inventory of what didn’t work and what did so when the next relationship presents itself that you know that you are not just going to be repeating the same pattern.
Help your kids reconcile their feelings. The most important thing, I feel, is to make sure they know that you will still love them and spend time with them even if a new partner enters into the relationship. Show them how they won’t “lose” their mom just because someone new is in the picture. I personally think that as long as your kids are not involved in the relationship until you really get to know someone and make sure they are safe to be around your kids then there is no harm in dating.
There is something to be said for just getting out there to take your mind off things and have new experiences. Maybe you haven’t had fun with a man for a while and you need to fill your fun tank back up again. The more fun I’m having in my life and the more I take care of myself, the more I have to give back to my daughter. And then everyone benefits. Just be aware that getting committed so soon after a seperation can have some serious drawbacks. If you aware, then you know what to watch out for and you can make smarter choices based on what you are looking for. If it’s a one night stand, well do your thing but recognize it for all it probably is. A one night stand.
So rather than saying “What should I do” say “What do I want” and make your choices from there.
Hope that helps.
Single mom, organizing and productivity expert, Tracy Paye has been transforming spaces into livable and lovable environments since the age of 12. Tracy’s passion is to help people experience freedom from their stuff and re-design their lives. Through hands on organizing, coaching, consulting, speaking engagements, media appearances, and writing Tracy has positively impacted countless people by inspiring, empowering and motivating people to take action and gain control of their lives. If you are interested to learn more about Tracy’s organizing services you can visit her site at www.tracypaye.com. You can also follow her on Twitter at www.twitter.com/missorganized.
