Learning to Focus
By Michele | July 26, 2010
The death of someone instrumental in our lives instantly changes our view of the world. Ordinary things are suddenly fraught with meaning, and insignificant moments become unexpectedly precious. After my husband Phil’s death I remember thinking that grief swooped in and stole my rose colored glasses…leaving me with a pair of dark shades instead.
This darker world view made every life celebration bittersweet…or sometimes just plain bitter. Movies became minefields, attending weddings became tortuous, walking down the street beside hand holding couples made me feel nauseous, and stopping for lunch alone during my workday often reduced me to tears. While grey was the dominant color in my life I generally felt either sad or numb, with not much in between. Sometimes when a bit of color would filter through the haze (a flash of genuine happiness for example), I felt almost burned. My immediate reaction to light became turning away from the source, and pulling my new shades down over my eyes to keep the world in a comfortable state of darkness.
I can’t tell you exactly when my shades started allowing the penetration of light…but they did. One day I genuinely smiled. Another day I laughed so hard that my sides hurt. Every now and then I could walk down the street without counting the couples I passed; lunchtime alone became time to catch up on some reading; I even went to a wedding and found myself caught up in the love of the moment instead of listening to the voice in my head detailing the ways that death may these two part. The moment I realized that I sat through a wedding without the bitter taste of disappointment in my mouth, I knew that the gloom was finally lifting.
Death has changed the way I look at every single thing in my life. Lately I have been thinking of life as a camera. We don’t always get to select the lens, but we can adjust the focus. I can’t change the fact that Phil died, but I can choose to focus on how lucky I was to love him. I will never sit through a film that includes losing a loved one without a pang of sorrow, but I can choose to employ that compassion in my everyday life. When I see very old couples assisting each other out of a car, I still wonder, “Why not us?”…but I can choose to think, “Good for you.” Sometimes getting the focus right is still not easy. When a wave of grief comes from somewhere unexpected I am often temporarily unable to refocus my life lens, but I am learning that finding the right focus takes practice…and each day gives me a new opportunity to pick up my camera.
How has your perspective changed after losing a loved one? Have you found a way to adjust your focus?
Topics: General | 2 Comments »
July 26th, 2010 at 7:57 am
What an inspirational story. Thank you for sharing it with us…
July 29th, 2010 at 9:02 am
[...] Posted on July 29, 2010. Filed under: News | ^ds Beautiful article about life after the loss of a loved one: http://www.singleparentstown.com/blog/2010/07/26/michele/learning-to-focus/ [...]