“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forster
I think of this quote often and especially on holidays. Somewhere a long time ago (probably around elementary school) I conjured up this picture of someday spending the holidays with my children and my husband doing of series of, you know, Hallmark card moments. For this upcoming weekend, we would had a BBQ (in fact we had one at our house on Memorial Day for many years) and many of our extended family would be around. In my mind, it was idyllic. In real life, honestly, it was nice but frantic, too–with planning, shopping and cleaning and gardening.
I don’t host those big BBQs anymore, I have a patio container garden instead of large and colorful flower beds and for most of this weekend my children will not be with me. A melancholoy usually sets in a early in the week before a holiday and I wonder what my problem is until I remember that a holiday is coming. For this Memorial Day weekend, I have some plans, nothing big, and I know my boys will have a good time with their dad. Yet, somewhere deep within in me I mourn for the life I thought I would be living, one in which I would spend every hour of every holiday with my children, and my girlhood dreams would be realized.
I used to keep myself very busy on the weekends (especially holidays) when I was “off,” but I have come to know it doesn’t matter how busy I am, I can’t run from the feelings I have. Instead I must be aware, and sit with them for a while, and then eventually I move on to a better mood.
My life is vastly different now than how I ever imagined, but it is wonderful in so many ways and I look forward to all that, as Forster said, is waiting for me.
Lisa Samalonis is the author of www.singleparentsavings.wordpress.com, a blog with tips, research, and musings on the single parent life.
