Sometimes it’s easier to point out what our kids to wrong, but it is focusing on what they do right that motivates them to learn.
A while back I interviewed Steve Gavazzi, professor of education and human ecology at Ohio University, about how parents can best help their children to thrive and his words have stayed with me.
“The best way to help teenagers (and other children) who are struggling in school is put aside their academic problems and focus on what they’re doing right,” said Gavazzi.
So now when I am stressed and poised to criticize, I try and remember if I rush in harshly my son deflates, his head drops, his shoulders instantly sag, his eyes go to the floor. Conversely, if I recognize (not over praise) him about a strength he seems to be able to stay on track much better.
But this is hard. Many times as parents we think we know the best way, but I am learning as a parent my best way is not always the best way for each of my sons.
Gavazzi agrees. He notes that nearly every family with a child who has problems in school is told what they’re doing wrong. But knowing what’s wrong won’t fix anything, he says. “Your problems won’t solve your problems, but your strengths will. That’s why we focus on assets.”
He has a few suggestions:
- “park” problems – not ignore them, or pretend they are not there, but set them aside while they build on strengths.
- Avoid the shame and blame focus
- Work to empower family members
- Be patient and kind
- Work together
- Seek out and use support and resources
- Keep it positive if possible. Often as soon as a child or teen hears you say something negative about them, the light switch goes off. They are not going to hear anything else you have to say, he explains.
When my sons were born I remember the pediatrician telling me to “catch them doing good and tell them often.” I have found that if they feel as if they are doing well, they want to keep going. So I know what Gavazzi says is true: “Your strengths become your vehicle for solving problems. If you start building on strengths, you start to get clues as to how to solve your problems.”
And if you have a bad day, start focusing on strengths again the next day.
“Practice makes better,” says my son, 10, who echoes his teacher’s words.
For more info on Gavazzi’s interview and other helpful single parenting times, head over to my blog, www.singlearentsavings.wordpress.com
