Learning to Give Up Control…or Not

Co-parenting is an intricate dance that is incredibly difficult to master. Trying to figure out the proper steps, trusting your partner to do what they are suppossed to and learning to let go of what you have no control over is not an easy process.

Lately I have been learning the act of giving up control. While I like to think of myself as spontaneous and fun, the truth of the matter is that I am a bit of a micro manager when it comes to being a mom. My best friend Abby recently brought to my attention when we were at her house for dinner that I asked my son if he was okay no less than 50 times in the four hours we were there. Hmmm…that may have been a bit excessive. I mean how much trouble could an almost ten year old boy get into the living room of a townhouse in suburbia while playing the Wii while I was in the kitchen? And didn’t I think that Christian would tell me if he wasn’t okay? It opened my eyes to how often I need to reassure myself that my son is alive, healthy and generally happy.

If I am that obsessive with my son’s wellbeing while he is with me, I am sure you can imagine what a crazy environment my head is when my son is with his dad for a week at a time (our custody arrangement is one week with mom, one week with dad.) I feel so vulnerable when Christian is with his dad. I have no control over what my son is doing for an entire week. It is torture.

I have to blindly trust. I have to remind myself that I had a child with Matt (Christian’s father) because I knew he would love our child unconditionally and that we have similar parenting methods. I have to restrain myself from calling and texting a dozen times a day, because I don’t want Matt to start to think that I don’t trust him. I have to give up control and trust that homework is getting done, teeth are being brushed and that my son is alive, healthy and generally happy. Matt does get an early morning text message occasionally if I have a bad dream that has to do with Christian. Matt is a great sport though, his canned response is, “You would be the first person to know if something wasn’t okay.” And I would be. I know that is true.

Tomorrow my son’s first science project is due. It has been an on-going school project for the past 3 weeks. Tomorrow the culmination of my son’s efforts is due, and this weekend was the weekend to pull it all together. This weekend, Christian is with his dad. I sent his dad a quick reminder text yesterday that the science project is due on Monday, and then resisted the urge all day today to call and ask how it was going.

I broke. I was weak. I couldn’t resist. I had to know that my son was going to school with a finished science project tomorrow. So I broke down and called this evening. As it turns out, the project was not done. Matt’s printer isn’t working. Unfortunately that is where the progress of the project stopped this evening. I came up with a few alternative solutions that would allow for the completion of the project tonight.

While I would love for the moral of this post to be to trust that your child’s other parent is doing exactly what you would be doing, it’s not. Sometimes it takes a second parental brain, possibly one that is slightly more of a control freak, to solve the puzzle. Go with your insticts. Control your impulses when you can, but if you have a voice in your head that is relentlessly telling you to check on something, it is okay to give into the inner micro-manager parent you try to stiffle. Your child will thank you for it later.