It’s ok to let them see you cry

I’ll admit it, I’m an emotional and sensitive person.  I’ve always been like that.  The difference is when I was younger, I let my emotions get the best of me and I wouldn’t manage them well.  The older I get, the better I have become at managing my emotions.   I also have gone to two opposite ends of the spectrum of sharing my emotions.  I learned growing up that emotions are best not expressed.  Just keep it in, sweep it under the rug, don’t rock the boat and don’t be dramatic.  I believed that if I shared with someone something they said or did that upset me that it was me to blame for feeling that way.  Somehow my feelings were wrong.  Or if I did share what upset me then I had to be prepared to deal with either backlash or guilt for feeling that way.  So my mouth stayed closed.  This caused a lot of anger and an inability to trust my feelings.   Still to this day I have to consciously allow my feelings when they come up to be heard and give them validity instead of brushing them off and tell myself I’m wrong, stupid or crazy for thinking that way.

It wasn’t until I met Paris’s father did I learn to start opening up.  We would get into fights and I would do the typical chick thing when he would ask what’s wrong.  I would say, “Nothing.”  Well all he had to do was press a little bit more and I would explode with a wave of emotions that had been stewing inside.  Sometimes what I would say would be something that happened months ago that I never spoke up about but of course never forgot.  That relationship was the first relationship that got to my core crap.  It revealed issues that I didn’t even know were there.   Because Pandora’s box was opened, I became an emotional wreck for years.  I was consumed with my emotions and the deep pain it was triggering.  I felt like I was depressed and cried all the time.  Those were very difficult years for me.

When I had Paris and after I left her dad, I felt like I was still an emotional wreck with lots of drama in my life.  I still had not completely processed all of the hardship the relationship brought on, I saw another emotionally heart breaking relationship come and go and had to figure out how to support not only myself but a kid as well.   So there I was still crying, still depressed and now it’s all getting put in front of my kid.  There was a part of me that felt ashamed that I couldn’t pull myself up by the bootstraps, wipe my tears and put on the tough chic face that I work so hard to display to the world.  That feeling was further engrained when I was told that I shouldn’t cry in front of Paris and it’s not ok to let your kids see you upset.  But there was a deeper part of me that felt like this was a real opportunity for me to present a different way of being to my daughter.   So what I choose to do was to explain to my daughter what was going on with me, why I was crying and why I was upset.  I wanted her to know that it was ok to express your emotions.   I made sure that when she was upset that she could feel comfortable expressing them and know it was safe to do so and her feelings would be validated.  I wanted to make sure she never felt invalidated for feeling the way she did.  That it didn’t matter whether I agreed or not, that her feelings were hers and she had a right to feel that way.   And I wanted to let her know that mom’s are human too.  And we don’t always have the answers and we aren’t always strong and we are sometimes afraid too.

Pretty soon, I started giving her words for her emotions.  I remember at two she was saying to me, “Mom, I feel fafrated.”  In other words, frustrated.  It was so cute when she said that and I felt a wave of relief knowing that not only could she communicate her feelings but felt comfortable doing so.  As she got older, when I told her she had to wear stockings under her skirt, I remember her saying, “It’s my body mom and I have a right to do whatever I want with my body.”  I was fafrated, oh I mean frustrated for her refusal to cooperate but at the same time I coudn’t help but chuckle and smile from ear to ear, all on the downlow of course, because of her standing up for herself and her beliefs.  Thatta girl.

What I had to be careful of though was that she wasn’t feeling responsible for my feelings or feeling like it was her job to make me feel better.  I remember one time laying on the bed crying my butt off and at only 3 years old, she laid me down and started to rub my stomach and said, ” Belax mama belax.”  I was shocked and so happy that my 3 year old had the capacity to do this.  But I was also afraid that she was taking on my emotions and feeling responsible for my feelings.  So I told her at one point, “I just want to make sure you know that it’s not your job to make sure I’m happy.”  Now my kid is a pretty smart and enlightened kid so many times I don’t have to dumb down my conversations with her.  But this one didn’t land very well.  I don’t know how she interpreted what I said but I thought I would revisit the conversation at a latter date which I have.  I’ve come to learn that when a parent lays all their emotions on their kid, the child will have a tendency to feel responsible for their parents wellbeing.  Something as simple as saying after your kid has come to comfort you after you’ve crying, “I feel better now that you are here” is a form of emotional incest.  Because what is being communicated to the child is as long as I’m here then my mom or dad are ok.  And the stage gets set for a co-dependant relationship.

As a result of Pandora’s box being opened, I went from being someone who couldn’t and wouldn’t communicate my feelings to someone who communicated too much.  The problem with communicating too much is there are far and few between who not only won’t listen but won’t provide the feedback and emotions I need in return.  For instance, if I’m talking about guy problems, the last thing I need to hear from my girlfriends (which many women do this) is what a dumbass the guy is or that I’m better than him and he didn’t deserve me and I should leave.  What I need in that moment is just someone to hear my feelings.  So what I have learned to do when I’m choosing to share very intimate and difficult feelings, is to one, realize that certain people are only good to communicate certain feelings too and two, tell them what I need from them at the beginning of the conversation.  This has helped a lot, but it’s taken years to not only feel comfortable saying this but doing it in a vulnerable and non-agressive way.  I’m working on teaching Paris now how she can communicate her needs and emotions to me in a calm way.  She was very resistant but now she’s getting it.

So now I’m working on the balance.  The balance between not communicating enough and overly communincating my feelings.  I’m learning that I can talk about things that make me mad but I don’t have to say it in a mean way.  I can talk about things that make me feel sad without draining someone’s energy and creating any type of guilt.  I’m learning to be vulnerable and authentic and softer.  I’m glad I chose to share my emotions with Paris.  In the end, I feel she will be much more emotionally healthy because of it.

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