So I witnessed something yesterday that caused me to pull up a chapter from the mothballs—-I witnessed a divorced couple WITH kids go through a pretty horrible and certainly dysfunctional altercation.
It reminded me of the NUMBER 1 RULE FOR DIVORCED DADS (and moms). #1 RULE FOR DIVORCED DADS: Never utter a discouraging word about your children’s mom
If you can do this, then you’re a better man than me. Look – if I could take back every audible sigh, every roll of the eyes, every negatively inflected statement about my childrens’ mom I have ever made in front of the kids, I’d gladly do so. I made it a point, and I still do, to not bash their mom in front of the kids.
But over the years, I’ve shown to be weak or petty at times, and they know I often disagree with their mom’s choices in life and in parenting. There is no upside in doing this as the kids will only get defensive. For God’s sake, she’s their mom. And they will go to battle silently or outright with you over this. I mean “what the hell!” How defensive do you get when somebody bashes your mom?
(AND A REMINDER—THIS GOES FOR MOMS TOO)
Bad execution around this, and they may grow up with disrespect for their mom. After all, that is what they’ve observed from the man who’s supposed to show them the way. Set the example and never let them see you sweat. Never utter a discouraging word about her.
Eat that glass for the kids.
If you will do this, there’s a pretty fair chance you will be your children’s only parent to do so. It’s also a good bet that your ex- will have resentment for you over the divorce, and it will spill over. You did, after all, help to shatter that romantic notion of “happily ever after”. If indeed your ex- exercises resentment in a manner that causes them to bash you in front of the kids, you’ve got to let it go.
Eat that glass for the kids.
When they hear it, the kids will believe it; and you aren’t going to change their minds when they’re really small. To confront your ex- in that moment is to basically call them a liar.
Look, eat the glass and move on. Over time, the kids will come to understand what kind of man you are; and that’s your blessing (or your curse) depending on what kind of man you choose to be.
I believe that over time the kids will begin to understand who was telling which stories and for what reasons. Time has proven me correct on this issue, and it’s made me resolute that this should be Rule #1: Never utter a discouraging word about your children’s mom.
Hey look – the kids are the innocents here. There’s no need to screw them up any more than you’re going to anyway. They’re probably going to end up on a shrink’s couch someday to be sure, but don’t give them this as a reason.
Be a man.
They’ll thank you for it later, and you’ll have less glass to eat as you’ll be raising healthier teens. Think of it as an investment. It may take a while, and they may not realize you walked with integrity until they are well into adulthood. Hell! You may not even live long enough to see it. But they will come to this understanding, and they will be the better for it and so will their offspring and the rest of the planet. Go do something good for the planet, and keep your comments to yourself.
If you need to vent, pick one friend and whine away to him or her. I suggest this not be a family member. Your family has already sided with you, and any more negativity associated with your ex- is only going to come out around your kids or when your ex- encounters your family at the kiddos’ functions.
I’d also suggest you keep it to only one or two friends as opposed to everyone in your circle. Because I have to tell you, eventually, you will wear them all out. And if you do so, you’ll probably end up alienating at least one of these friends with your whining.
They didn’t marry your ex-, and they don’t want to deal with your ex- or your baggage any more than they have to.
Above all else, it might be wise to realize the more you trash your ex-, the goofier you look for ever choosing them to begin with.
Be a better man.
And if it helps, every time you think you’re getting the short end of the stick, know that in time your kids will get it. They will get who you are.
Hey – eventually you did with your parents.
Eventually they will with you.
…happy parenting…