What I struggle with the most.

First, let me start off with, from day one, I have always maintained that it is of the utmost importance that August’s mom stay involved in his life.

I have purposefully left out many of, the not so pretty details of her story. I am not trying to paint a negative picture of her. My hope is that soon, she can come to terms with what exactly it is that has caused her so much loss, deal with it, move on, and finally let the past be the past.

I don’t want her to be “that” parent, whose addiction causes severed ties with their children. I don’t want August to have that kind of hole in his heart. I do recognize that some things are just simply out of my control.

The fact is, tomorrow she finds out whether or not she will be let out of jail, or be required to stay in there for up to 5 more months.

So, let’s back track really quick.

Last May, the Friday before Mother’s Day, she was pulled over, and cited for her 3^rd DUI. It was her 2^nd in a 12 month period, and the straw that broke the camel’s back.

The following week, she had her court hearing, and was sent to jail. She spent about 6 months in there, and got out in the middle of November. Upon getting out, the courts have made her go through the DUI Court program. It’s a very intensive program, which requires a lot of vigilance on her part. Not only do they constantly monitor whether or not she has been consuming alcohol. They also require her to not be late, or miss any appointments. Which based on my experience, has also been a major issue that she struggles with.

“Thank God, I don’t have to be the bad guy … anymore.”

Well, within a couple weeks of her getting out of jail, she was late for one of her 4 weekly UA’s. I don’t really feel like explaining what “UA” stands for. If you don’t know what it is, “Google it!”.

Consequently, she was sent back to jail for 7 days.

They (the courts) are not messing around with the people in this program.

Unfortunately, for her, this happened again. Only, this time, on Christmas Eve Day, she missed the UA all together. They had moved the time from the morning, to the afternoon. She says it was on her “things to do list”, but she completely “spaced” on it.

Some people will call this very defiant behavior. I’m not going to say it’s not. However, according to her, it’s all very innocent. If it is defiant behavior, then she’s simply not being truly honest with herself.

So, the following Tuesday (last week), she had her weekly court hearing, and she is now spending 10 days in jail. Tomorrow, when her counselor’s get together, they will be discussing whether or not they believe she should stay in there, and participate in the program from jail. If that’s the case, she will be in there for, what she says, is 5 more months.

Now, as of recent, and based on the last two years, it does appear that she may be turning a big corner in dealing with her addiction. Although I will remain hesitant for quite some time, she does seem to be doing many of the good things necessary to understand how to live life, sober.

This saying will always remain true though: “When you sober up a horse thief, you’ve still got a horse thief.”

Meaning, taking the alcohol out of someone’s life is only the very beginning. Once that has been done, someone can begin to work on the real problem, themselves.

Which is why they say, “alcohol is only a symptom of the disease.”

If in fact, August’s mom is at a big turning point in her life, then these stints of being in jail, because of the strict rules put in place by the DUI court program are just formalities. The number one thing is that she not drink. They are tough lessons to learn, but when someone can accept the consequences, and change the behavior, that’s what it’s all about. There has been no indication that she has been consuming alcohol in the last couple months. And, I have seen some slight changes in her behavior. I completely understand that it doesn’t happen overnight.

So, what I struggle with the most is, how do I know that I am handling all of this, the right way? Am I foolish to think that her continued involvement in his life is going to have a positive impact on his life? When is enough, truly enough?

Her time with August is very limited. However, in the time that she has not been in jail, she talks to him on the phone daily. Also, she sees him once a week.

It’s very difficult for me not to think, “what if the role was reversed, like it is in 95% of cases like this?” Let’s say, she was in my shoes, and I was in hers? You think the courts would cut me any slack? You think I would ever see our son again? Would she let me talk to him on the phone every night? You think she would care if I ever got sober?

I can’t get caught up in what is not though. I can only focus on what is.

At the end of the day, I have to believe that the way I have been, and continue to handle this, is what is best. If she can get past this, and live a grateful, sober life, then ultimately, that is what is best for August.

I can’t say that this is how you should deal with someone struggling with addiction. Some people need to be cut out of their children’s lives.

Sometimes though, it wouldn’t hurt us to take our personal emotions of anger out of the equation.

“No child can ever benefit from a negative portrait of one of their parents.”