I had the news turned on and a story popped up about child rape. My daughter asked me, “Mom, what does child rape mean?” Whoa, that wasn’t a conversation I expected to have at that moment. How the hell do I present this in a 7 year old appropriate way? As other conversations before, I chose to just tell it like it is. I told her that’s when someone has sex with a child when the child doesn’t want it. And having sex with children is bad. There I said it. I said sex. Gulp. I simply did not know how else to say it without using the s word. She simply said, “Ewwww, I don’t want that.” Music to every mom’s ears. Now if I can keep her saying that till she’s 30 then life will be much easier.
I’ve made it a point to talk to Paris for at least a couple years now about being touched inappropriately. I have always wanted to make sure she knew 1) If that happens, know matter who it is that I want her to feel safe coming to me and talking to me about it and I will always believe her and 2) That she didn’t do anything to deserve it. I’ve recently had to deal with a family member who kept rubbing her back and it made her uncomfortable. She felt safe enough with me to tell me that she didn’t like that and wanted them to stop. I was jumping with glee inside that she wouldn’t hesitate to tell me, but sick to my stomach to have to tell this person because I knew the guilt that they would give back to me would be incredibly uncomfortable. It had to be done not only for Paris but for me. This moment was giving me the opportunity to stand up to protect her and let her see she was being stood up for and to finally take a stand for all the inappropriateness I’ve experienced myself too. It was liberating and sickening at the same time. I’ve protected this person’s feelings my entire life and I just couldn’t do it anymore. It took my daughter to give me the courage to do this. God bless that little girl.
Just as I expected, a complete emotional shut down and withdrawal occurred. All of this at a very public location while standing in line at a amusement park. So we had to sit in line like this for the next 1 1/2 hours. Talk about uncomfortable. It was oozing out of my skin. I wanted to just run away. I wanted to scream at them from acting like this. And at the same time, I wanted to comfort them and not feel the feelings that I assumed they would be feeling; rejection, un-loved, and un-appreciated. But something very beautiful happened in that moment. For the first time, I told myself that just because this is what I thought they may be feeling does not mean that this is what they are actually feeling. And regardless of what they are feeling, they were responsible for working it out on their own. What I did was I chose to not be responsible for their feelings. Something I have done my entire life.
Not sure how the conversation got brought up, but a couple weeks later I told them that I know having that conversation upset them greatly. And in the most diplomatic way I could I told them that if we chose to express our feelings and they are hurtful to him that acting in a way that intentionally tries to lay guilt on us is not ok. Ewwwww. Did I really have that conversation? And the answer back was, “You are absolutely right.”
I haven’t seen them face to face since but I’m sure I will again. It will be interesting to see if the dynamics will be different between us. I hope so. I need them to be.
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