Back To Our Conversation on Dangers of Parental Projection
By Patrick | November 30, 2009
The other day, I wrote about parental projection and the negative impact on kids. I told a story about a little league dad laying his projection garbage on my kid and promised to tell a story about a similar occurrence with my daughter.
Here is that story– My daughter’s freshman year in high school found her in the homecoming court. I guess some things haven’t changed all that much since I was in high school in Texas. But it’s my assumption, at least in Texas, the pageantry associated with homecoming and prom has grown as if it were on steroids.
As part of being in the homecoming court, my daughter and I were to walk arm-in-arm to mid-field at half time of the big homecoming football game. They would announce our names and all the accomplishments that made her “homecoming court material”.
We both got dressed up, as we needed to fit in with the rest of the pageant participants, and out we walked. As we walked along the out-of-bounds line and got to the 50 yard line to make that turn onto midfield, a lady said to my daughter, ”Smile honey, this is the biggest day of your life!”
My daughter put on a Hollywood smile for the lady and speaking through her clenched teeth said to me, “Oh God, Dad, I hope this isn’t the biggest day of my life! I hope my life holds far more than this.”
I laughed, and I told her perhaps it was the biggest day of that lady’s life. But I was for sure betting that she would have many more outstanding and far more memorable days than this. People will push their stuff onto your kids at every turn, and your job as a parent is to keep those kids on their true path and not the one that you or someone else wants to project onto them. Let them live their lives.
My daughter had all new projection visited on her recently when she graduated from high school. We had a chance to talk about how significant and insignificant high school graduation really is. We talked about it merely being a passage – not unlike many other coming or historic passages in her life. This was simply another change of shoes.
I did tell her, however, that one great aspect about this passage was that she now had an opportunity to completely reinvent herself if she so chose. I told her that she was going off to college and only about 10 out of 40,000 people would have any notion of who she was. She now could become whoever she wanted to be. Heck, I told her, she could even put on a British accent if she so choose. Nobody would know any better of it.
The real point to this is that she could finally be exactly who she wanted to be, free from the constraints and projections of her mom and dad and teachers and grandparents and others. She could put away any and all masks she may have been wearing in the past and open up that wonderful life she chooses. She could step into her dance shoes and dance—-Dance in her true shoes.
Here is that story– My daughter’s freshman year in high school found her in the homecoming court. I guess some things haven’t changed all that much since I was in high school in Texas. But it’s my assumption, at least in Texas, the pageantry associated with homecoming and prom has grown as if it were on steroids.
As part of being in the homecoming court, my daughter and I were to walk arm-in-arm to mid-field at half time of the big homecoming football game. They would announce our names and all the accomplishments that made her “homecoming court material”.
We both got dressed up, as we needed to fit in with the rest of the pageant participants, and out we walked. As we walked along the out-of-bounds line and got to the 50 yard line to make that turn onto midfield, a lady said to my daughter, ”Smile honey, this is the biggest day of your life!”
My daughter put on a Hollywood smile for the lady and speaking through her clenched teeth said to me, “Oh God, Dad, I hope this isn’t the biggest day of my life! I hope my life holds far more than this.”
I laughed, and I told her perhaps it was the biggest day of that lady’s life. But I was for sure betting that she would have many more outstanding and far more memorable days than this. People will push their stuff onto your kids at every turn, and your job as a parent is to keep those kids on their true path and not the one that you or someone else wants to project onto them. Let them live their lives.
My daughter had all new projection visited on her recently when she graduated from high school. We had a chance to talk about how significant and insignificant high school graduation really is. We talked about it merely being a passage – not unlike many other coming or historic passages in her life. This was simply another change of shoes.
I did tell her, however, that one great aspect about this passage was that she now had an opportunity to completely reinvent herself if she so chose. I told her that she was going off to college and only about 10 out of 40,000 people would have any notion of who she was. She now could become whoever she wanted to be. Heck, I told her, she could even put on a British accent if she so choose. Nobody would know any better of it.
The real point to this is that she could finally be exactly who she wanted to be, free from the constraints and projections of her mom and dad and teachers and grandparents and others. She could put away any and all masks she may have been wearing in the past and open up that wonderful life she chooses. She could step into her dance shoes and dance—-Dance in her true shoes.
…happy parenting…
Topics: How to Communicate with Your Kids | 2 Comments »
December 2nd, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Wow. What a beautiful way to parent. My father has also parented me in the same way. If it wasn’t for him, the belittling of my self esteem from other family members may have kept me in the dark places that I still try to escape.
Letting your kid know that you believe in them, and you are ok with them choosing whatever life path they choose and be who they want to be, I believe is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to our children as parents.
December 3rd, 2009 at 2:31 pm
thanks a ton tracy…my entire parenting experience has taught me but a few things and the dangers and damage of parental parenting is the number one issue i try to avoid…much of my book
(DIVORCED DADS RULES FOR RAISING RELATIVELY STABLE KIDS ) is about that subject and i am pleased to say that my kids (now teens) have turrned out quite well…(that book was written “for” dads but has turned out to be more of abook for parenting in general…more moms have bought it than dads—married and single)…they are both chasing thier respective passions and i am pleased for them…i am working on a follow up book which will be titled “good parents raise weird kids” ’cause i believe if you are true to yourself you are a bit outside the norm…