I have a long time friend down in Nashville, Tennessee. He and I have known each other since we were 7 years old. When we were younger, he lived with his mom during the school year, in New York City. He would come to stay with his dad during the summer, in Seattle. His dad lived on the same block I did.
One July day, back in 1986, I was walking down the block, and there was a birthday party going on. It was his birthday. He said, “hi!”, and I said, “hi!” back. We’ve been friends ever since.
The kind of friends, that when we were younger, we would beat the crap out of each other, then we’d be best friends again, a half hour later.
I went with his family back to Jackson, Wyoming a couple times, and learned that mountain climbing isn’t for me. He’s definitely always been the more outdoorsy kind of guy. It might have something to do with the fact that he was born in Nepal, and his dad has attempted to summit Mt. Everest.
Other than when he would come to stay with his dad, we’ve never actually lived in the same city. We’ve always maintained contact though.
Without telling his story in too much detail, he became a dad about 4 years ago … twin boys. He became a dad again, a little over a year ago. This time, his daughter’s mother is his college girlfriend from Colorado.
I have a lot of friends that are good with the opposite sex. Most the time, I felt like my friends were better than me, when it came to girls. However, I imagine that if you were to talk to them, they’d say the same about me. Of my friends, this guy definitely had a less subtle approach, and it worked …well.
I am not telling this story, to let you know that my friend was a “player”.
I am telling this story, because of the transformation I have seen in him, the last few years.
He has worked for the same, very large company, for many years now. I don’t think he makes a ton of money, but it’s enough to cover his responsibilities to his children.
He doesn’t live with his twin boys, and his daughter lives in Colorado, with her mom. He is very involved in his twin boys lives though, and as involved as he can be, all things considered, with his daughter in Colorado. He pays child support, regularly, and has a good relationship with his daughter’s mom. He also pays child support, regularly, for his twin boys. Unfortunately, the relationship he has with their mom is basically one of necessity to communicate.
Before I found out that I was going to be a dad, he and I would talk about how things were going with him, and being a dad.
When I found out that I was going to be a dad, he was the first one I called.
What I admire about my friend is his dedication to his children, despite how heart wrenching it can be at times. Most dads out there are not single dads with custody. They are dads like my friend. They pay child support, and are at the mercy of the mother of their children.
Sure, there are the dads out there that bail. I am not choosing to concern myself with them right now though. They don’t count.
Right now, I would just like to take a moment to recognize the guys out there that make their absolute best effort to stay involved in their children’s lives, despite difficult circumstances.
At the same time, I would like to take a moment to recognize the women out there that make their absolute best effort to work with their children’s dads, on a positive level, despite the fact that they are not together anymore.
Call me an “idealist”, but don’t we all owe it to our children to swallow our pride, and make our absolute best effort to make it work with our children’s mom or dad?