My first time alone as a single mom

So now I was back in San Diego with a new label, single mom and now my life was the furthest thing from the picture perfect fantasy of what I thought being a mom would be for me.   I felt one weight off my shoulder from not having to deal with the constant battling and heartache her father and I went through, but now another weight was added; navigating through this life, child in tow, ALONE and POOR.   Staying with my mom helped lower my expenses.   Her father, thank God, automatically starting giving me child support which helped me to just get by.  I must say, with all the trouble I had with him, I’ve never once had a child support issue with him.  He is a VERY responsible father and I count my blessings every day for that.   When I was in Kentucky, I was watching HGTV and saw the show Mission Organization.  I discovered that there were people called Professional Organizers charging money doing what I had been doing since I was 12 years old. Six months later I opened my business, Miss Organized which is part of the income that was used to help support Paris and I. 

About 3 months after being back in San Diego, Gray and I agreed that I would send Paris back to see him for a month.   I was so scared to send her back for fear that he would not return her.  We had not established joint custody so everything we did up until 2 years ago was through a verbal agreement.  And considering how we never agreed on anything I didn’t trust that he would uphold his side of the agreement.  I have been shocked at how well we have worked together over the years with just a verbal agreement.  Even when we eventually made it legal, his lawyer also expressed his shock at how well we have been able to work things out on our own.   We both knew that if we didn’t, the one who would suffer the most is our daughter, and we were not about to let that happen.  

So he came and got her and I was sad but happy she was going to see her dad.  While she was there she got a very bad ear infection.  It was heart breaking hearing what her dad had to do to help her.  To make it worse, she was in a daycare that had a webcam.  So I would sit at my computer, from across the country, and just watch her not being her normal, active, vibrant self and just sit on the caregivers lap, with her holding her little ears.  Finally, a few days before she was to come home, her dad told me the doctor said she couldn’t get on a plane with her ears like that.   I was devastated, I missed her so much and felt that it was my fault she was sick.  I knew I had to get back there to help her get better but buying an airline ticket in less than 24 hours was surely going to cost well over a thousand dollars which, of course, I didn’t have.  Well God was looking out for me and I managed to find a ticket the next day for $250.00.  Unbelievable. 

I visualized showing up in the airport and her running up to me, throwing her arms around my neck and instant healing to begin.  But when I showed up at the airport, she didn’t want anything to do with me.  She scowled at me and I just knew that she had felt that I had abandoned her at a very early age.  I honestly feel as though that is a scar that she hasn’t totally healed from yet.   Over the next few days she would not come near me and I felt like the most horrible mother ever.  I thought I’ve screwed up any chance of her and I having a healthy and happy relationship when all I wanted to do was just be fair.  Her ears got better and I got the green light to take her home.  So before I did, to make the transition easier, her father left her with me alone for several hours.  As soon as he walked out the door, she just sat by the door and cried and cried and cried; again, wanting nothing to do with me.  My issues of rejection from my own childhood were not only rising up in me, but getting mirrored back to me from my 1 year old.  I could almost hear her feelings saying, “Mommy, why did you do that?  Why did you leave me?”  I have still not forgiven myself for that time and carry a deep ache in my heart because of it.   Eventually, she calmed down and started to play with me.   While I was there in Kentucky, I realized I still yearned for her father.  However, he had already moved on and was dating a co-worker.  Funny thing is my gut told me that would happen and with her.   To save money on lodging, I was staying with him at our old place and saw love letters to his new girlfriend saying he has never experienced a love like this.  My already broken heart now felt like it was completely crushed with no chance of ever loving again. I felt like I spent my entire stay in Kentucky just crying and feeling like there was no more joy to be had only pain, suffering, hardship, lovelessness, and loneliness and with a daughter who would hate me the rest of her life. 

It wasn’t until 6 months later when I went to a psychic that I finally released her father from my heart.   She told me that I had to let him go.  This was something that friends and family had told me for years, but for some reason in that moment, I did.  I FINALLY did, I felt it and I knew it.  It was amazing.   With that, I went back to my mom’s and applied Feng Shui to be love corner and within one month I met my new love interest. 

Life felt like it was starting to get better and easier.  What made it a lot easier was the help I received from an unexpected ally, her father’s mother.   It is because of her that I got a social life back and able to take a break from time to time.  I’m so grateful to her for all of her help over the years and for being so good to her granddaughter and I.  

So as you can see, if you have been reading my past blogs, that from conception to the first year and a half of her life was quite a turbulent road for us.  But we made it through and although we have had many trials and tribulations since, we are still here and I think we my daughter and I are both pretty kick ass people.   Writing about this time has been very cathartic, I thank you for listening.

If you are interested to learn more about my organizing services or read my organizing blogs you can visit my site at www.miss-organized.com.   You can also follow me on Twitter at www.twitter.com/missorganized.