Deep down I knew I had to leave. I had known I had to leave my daughter’s father for 5 years but I just couldn’t find the strength to walk away. Well having her finally started to break the spell I was under and I very quickly felt myself detaching from him in a way that I never thought would happen.
But now I had a lot more at stake. I was all the way out in Kentucky so who knows what type of laws I was facing about taking my child out of state. Also, as much as I was starting to not want to be with him anymore, I felt a tremendous guilt over the idea of taking her away from her father. I was seperated from my father after an almost life ending car accident at the age of 5 years old on Christmas day with my father in Florida. He was sent back to New Jersey to be taken care of by his dad and my mom, wanting to start a new life, moved me and my sister to California. I don’t remember seeing my father again till I was 10 even though he says he did see me a couple of times. In fact, I don’t have any recollection of my life at all until 10 years old. So the idea of my daughter not getting to be around her dad on a frequent basis killed me because I know the problems it created for me.
So I saw my situation as a no win situation. Stay in a relationship that was getting progressively worse day by day or become a single mom and face the hardships my mother faced and separating my daughter from her dad. I remember going to single mom forums just to see what I was up against, and there was not one single mom that had a good thing to say about the dad or being a single mom. Not one!!! I tried my best to suck it up, stuff down my pain, put on a happy face and hope everything would get better but it just got worse. We were both abusive towards each other and emotionally immature and I was concerned that it may escalate into potential physical abuse. I do not buy into that old school mentality that even if the relationship is bad, the parents should stay together for the sake of the children. What does that teach our children? I firmly believe that I was put on this earth to break family patterns and the history of abuse was going to end with me. I was not going to model that for my daughter. NO WAY! But still, as independent and head strong as I am, the thought of leaving was still very very scary. Continue reading »