Letting Go of Control for Successful Co-Parenting
By Julie | September 29, 2009
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as a single-parent is to let go of control.
Taking control certainly didn’t serve my marriage, so I know I need to keep it out of my co-parenting relationship with Max’s Dad.
But alas, I am not perfect, and despite my good intentions…I’m not always successful!
The issue of “control” came up the other day when I found and empty bag of Cheetos in Max’s lunch. You can imagine my horror when I saw that Max was eating anything other than foods from the earth!
He had been with this Dad the night before, and this is what showed up in his lunch the next day.
My immediate reaction was to call and give his Dad a piece of my mind, “Really, this is what you are putting in his lunch when you know I don’t allow these foods?!”
I mean, seriously, how dare he go against the very nature of what I teach Max every day about healthy choices? And what must the teachers think when they see Cheetos in Max’s lunch and know I’m a Nutritionist? Oh my gosh, how embarrassing!
I was really on a roll! And then I stopped and thought, “Yuck, this doesn’t feel good.” I recognized right away that my reaction to this was going to lead to nowhere good, so I decided to check in and see what was up for me.
In reality, it wasn’t really about the Cheetos. My ego was dictating my response, and the need to control the situation was getting in the way of logic.
In truth, I DO allow snacks like Cheetos every now and then. I refer to these as “Whoa” Foods – special treats to have a couple times a week. “Go” Foods on the other hand are fruits, vegetables and whole grains that you should have at every meal. Whereas the “Slow” Foods are healthy snacks like pretzels and fruit leathers – not necessarily something that grows on a tree, but not as processed as a bag of greasy chips.
So, in stepping back and assessing the situation, I asked, “Am I more concerned about what Max is eating, or is it that I don’t always have CONTROL over what Max is eating?”.
It was clearly the latter. I know deep down that Max’s Dad totally supports a healthy diet. Now, he has more flexibility around snack foods and quick-service restaurants, but it never fails that Max’s lunch includes a healthy sandwich, plenty of fruit, and usually cherry tomatoes or edamame.
So was the bag of Cheetos really going to harm Max? No.
The real harm would have been if I’d called his Dad and gone off on a rampage about the Cheetos. Especially since Max’s Dad is one of the best Dad’s I know, and always has Max’s best interest in mind. If packing a bag of chips in his lunch is the worst thing he does, then I’ll take that any day!
Furthermore, this all reminded me to SURRENDER. As a single-parent you cannot – let me repeat – cannot control what goes on in the other household. If you try to do this, you will fail miserably and it does nothing to promote peace, harmony and effective co-parenting.
So let it go. Surrender the ego. Build on what is “working”, rather than your idea of what is not. Embrace your differences, and just know that when your children are with you, they are learning one set of life lessons, and when they’re with the other parent, they are learning an equally important set.
So, am I okay with the Cheetos in the lunch? Ummm, not really. I still believe these special treats are best reserved for outside of meal-time. But in the big picture, this is a minor detail on a canvas that is generally filled with goodness.
Today, I encourage you to Let Go of control. You will be amazed at what shows up in it’s place.
Have a wonderful day!
Topics: General | 1 Comment »
September 30th, 2009 at 2:33 am
I love that you were able to pause long enough to refrain from reacting. I love the idea too of figuring out, what is the emotion under the reaction.
Thanks for this reminder.
Bernadette